Let’s hit the water

Many readers would be aware that the Bible we read today includes 66 books written by more than 40 authors over more than 1600 years.

The Bible includes more than 700,000 words, and, as a former editor myself, I can’t help but wonder how the Bible text was edited before publication and some of these words were changed, shuffled or swapped. Perhaps whole passages were deleted …

Pope Damasus: Jerome, I’m thinking this passage in Matthew could be a bit long and, well, largely unnecessary. Perhaps we could get to the point a little quicker.

Jerome: Which passage, your Holiness?

Pope: In Matthew 14, we have the account of Jesus walking on water and the ensuing action; I’m just wondering if we need it all. It’s always struck me as something of a diversion and even a little distracting from the main tenor of the story. Read it through, see what you think.

Jerome: ‘Shortly before dawn, Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

“Lord, if it’s you,” Bartholomew replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said.

Bartholomew stepped out from the boat and immediately drowned. He couldn’t swim.

Thaddeus stood and said, “Lord, call me to you, and I will come.” “Come,” said the Lord. Thaddeus stepped out and, miraculously, took three steps on the water. Then a whopping big shark took him by the ankles and dragged him down, never to be seen again.

James and John cried out to the Lord, “Call us, Lord, we will come to you.” “Come,” said the Lord.

The sons of thunder departed the boat and made their way towards the Lord atop the waves. And then they were gone. The whale had struck with open mouth, and now its tail was all that could be seen, descending into the murky deep.

Philip, Andrew, Thomas, Matthew, James son of Alphaeus, Simon the Cananaean and Judas Iscariot all put their heads down and got busy repairing nets. So, Peter said, “Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”’

Pope: ‘You see? I think we could just cut straight to the Peter effort, that may save some time.

Jerome: Yes, your Holiness, I agree. Consider it done.

Pope: Next, let’s talk about the feeding of the 5000. I think we could somehow make it more miraculous. Let’s focus on this boy and his loaves and fishes, the one who followed the arrival of the 50 kebab caravans.

 Major Mal Davies is the Assistant Divisional Commander for the Victoria Division