Just for laughs

 A different column this week, and, unlike others, none of it is mine. Here’s some favourite Christian jokes you can try out on friends, family and colleagues.

A Salvation Army officer was walking down the street one day when he noticed a small boy trying to reach a doorbell at a house. After watching the boy’s effort for some time, the officer walked up to the little fella, knelt next to him, smiled at him and reached up and rang the doorbell. The officer then said, “And what now, young man?”. And the boy said, “Now we run,” and he ran away.

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his accountant and lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, he held out his hands and motioned for one to sit on each side of his bed. He held their hands, smiled and was silent. After a long pause, the accountant said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?” The preacher, still smiling and with his eyes closed and grasping their hands tightly, said: “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go too.”

A Salvation Army officer was asked to inform a man with a heart condition that he’d won one million dollars in a lottery. Everyone was afraid the shock would kill him, and he would die. The officer went to the man’s house and said, “Charles, what would you do if you won a million dollars?” Charles replied, “I would surely donate it all to your church.” The officer dropped dead.

One day in heaven, Jesus realised he hadn’t seen his earthly father, Joseph, for ages. He asked St Peter if he’d seen him around. Peter replied, “Sure, he likes to sit under a tree in the park.” Jesus strolled down to the park and saw an old man under a tree, carving a piece of wood. He approached the man and said, “You’re very handy with wood. Were you a carpenter?” The old man said, “Why yes, I was an excellent carpenter.” Jesus asked, “And did you have any children?” “Yes,” replied the old man, “I had one son. But I must admit, I wasn’t exactly his father. You see, he wasn’t conceived in the usual way. He was born as if by magic.” Excitedly, Jesus exclaimed, “Papa, it’s me! Your son!” The old man jumped to his feet and shouted. “Pinocchio!”

A Salvation Army officer and a Catholic priest had a car crash. Both cars were a mess, but they survived uninjured. The officer said: “It’s a miracle we survived. Perhaps this is God’s way of saying we should work more closely together and build mutual respect.” The priest replied, “Yes, I agree. And look, this bottle of wine in my car didn’t even break. Perhaps we should drink it to celebrate our good fortune.” He opened the bottle, took a few big swallows and passed it to the officer. The officer replied, “No thanks.” The priest said, “Oh, I forgot, you don’t drink.” The officer smiled and replied, “Well, that, and I’d rather wait until after the police arrive and do their report.”

Karen, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. The congregation tolerated her but only just. She went a little too far one Sunday, however, when she accused Bruce, a new member of the church, of being alcoholic because she’d seen his car parked in front of the town’s only hotel for a whole afternoon and evening. She said to Bruce, “Everyone knows what you’re doing. Everyone knows what you are doing in there!” Bruce looked at her and then silently walked away. That evening, he parked his car in front of Karen’s house … and left it there all night.

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

Major Mal Davies is the Assistant Divisional Commander for the Victoria Division